I havent had time to actually sit down and think. my mind is constantly buzzing and screaming at me for lack of attention. i manage my way through school, come home, and go straight to my Lethal beauty forum on vampirefreaks. its a sad existance. but i honestly feel like this e-friends, are my only friends. except jake. but hes the only exception.

it just hit me how detatched i am from myself, and my surroundings. im entirely absorbed in my world of...school related things. learning per..se...

i dont quite remember the last time i had a conversation about myself. which is kind of good..but kind of not. that means im losing sense of who i am. im " perpetually stuck " in my cyber/literary world. i hurts a bit.

i cant wait until christmas vacation. because then, i can just sorta..do nothing.

but at the same time, christmas is sort of empty. since 4th grade when my grandma died..since then..christmas has no magic. i remember she called me when i was 5,and pretended to be mrs.claus. i really believed it. and i didnt even know it was her until 2 years ago..........

i suppose all the hurt i have had builds up in the colder months, and i withdraw. become depressed. i dont really run from my problems. i just avoid them, and push them into the back of my head. because i really cant deal with them. because im weak. or..because i have brainwashed myself. yes. i brainwashed myself. into automatically discarding all bits of information that are virtually useless to my well being. anything that could harm me, automatically goes to the trash bin. and im NOT kidding. i dont even dwell. and sometimes dwelling is what can keep people going.

im empty.and not saying this in an "emo" sense either. theres no fullfillment...nothing.

it probably started back when steven put me through all that shit. -.- but im not even gonna go there now.

i have to say, the people i love most, arent even real figures to me. they are just words on a screen. mandi...kat...robyn...george...a few others. i love them more than anything. but im scared, because, i dont FEEL the love. you know? its just a thought in my head. does that make it not real? does that mean i really dont love anyone? including my own family? or am i just disfunctional? why cant i tell these things to my psychologist.....

i really wish i could....